Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Update on Rena

Rena was lying to everyone but me. She moved to the middle of nowhere for a very prestigious, non-existent job. She was running away from her family and was really working at two shitty paying jobs, and posing for naked pictures to supplement her income.

As I had predicted, although she'd fought me on this one, she eventually had PIV sex. What I hadn't predicted was her getting pregnant, although I wasn't surprised when her hard-line pro-life stance suddenly melted away because seriously, that's what happens to most pro-lifers who are faced with an unwanted pregnancy. She has now adopted the mainstream pro-life stance of "it should be easy and legal for a woman in the first trimester to get an abortion." Knowing me, Rena knew that I'd want to know all the gory details.

Her family eventually found out that her prestigious job didn't exist and that she'd lied about a lot in the last year that she'd lived with them. I was super relieved, because after every update from her, I would always have to weigh the pros and cons of keeping the secret. Now that burden is off my shoulders.

Her family is going to help her move closer to where I live and she is going to be getting her life going in a more fulfilling direction.

"I cannot believe it," I told her. "They reacted just as I told you they would. They still love you even though you ran away." So far only Rena, her ex, and me know about the abortion.

We concocted a lie about what to tell our friends about why she is moving back to our area, and hung up. YES! Finally, a female friend who isn't on the marriage treadmill won't be hundreds of miles away!

Get Off My Lawn!!

Today is not my birthday, but this is my birthday season, so I went out and partied and received gifts and cards with pictures of cute animals inside. It was fun. The 21 year olds celebrating their birthday thought I was one of them, so I still know how to have a good time. I told them that things only get better after 21.

I'm oldish now. I have 4 gray hairs on my head. I pull them out of course, but the hair follicles will re-form.

Those grandma hairs give me grandma airs. I read through old posts here in amazement. I gave a shit about what other people thought when I started this blog. I was so desperate to get married that I exercised like mad and almost drank myself to death because I was so desperate to escape living in the yeshivish cage.

Now I literally do not care about anything. I have a nice FWB who is not ruining my life. I researched him very thoroughly to the point where I read things he wrote in 2006, to make sure he wasn't a misogynistic pig or any sort of bad person. I went grocery shopping in pyjamas with a coat over the pyjamas, and now I feel like a fool for not doing this earlier. I have made peace with the fact that success isn't coming as easily and quickly as I thought it would. I have made peace with the fact that I don't look perfect. I stay inside and cook soup and it's the best life.

At this point I just want to wear comfortable clothes, take naps, and be in the company of people who make me happy. I was such a fool. Happiness is where you feel happy, not where other people tell you the happiness is. I am digging in my heels and getting comfortable with everything, because I am here for the long haul.

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Money

This semester I was in school 5 days a week and there were a ton of jewish holidays, which meant that there were a lot of labs to make up.

In August, I looked at the holiday calendar, my school schedule, and how disorganized work was. "I love it here," I told my boss. It is true. I do like my job. "The thing is, with the way the holidays fall, and with this schedule and your schedule, this cannot work. I don't want to let you down and say I will be able to come in when there is no way that's really going to happen."

We agreed to a compromise in which I was on call in case two people got sick on the same day, and in which I would ideally return ASAP.

The big boss had gone to school in Canada. He therefore thought school ended a month earlier than it did. He got the assistant manager (the real manager doesn't actually do anything) to contact me on my way to Interview # 1,  to see when I could come back. It seemed that they couldn't find anyone to replace me, and that they needed help desperately.

It was a no-brainer for me. They are totally fine with my situation, which is that if I get into school, I would obviously leave them in seven months. No new place was going to take a person for just seven months. I like my coworkers, and I already know how to do almost everything.

My finances, after 4 months of barely any money coming in, are in a slump. Seventeen credits totally out of pocket and Ubering on rainy/snowy days has me back to where I was 3 years ago.

I'm taking one class next semester, and that's it. I'm going to keep to my agreed-upon schedule until I get the grades from the first test.

However, this place was/is falling apart without Blondie and me. After not being there for 4 months, I still can do things better than the people who came in to replace us in September! It's not exactly rocket science- I was basically on my own after three weeks of working there. They are also SO BEHIND on paperwork. The assistant manager (read: real manager) has told me that oftentimes the Tuesday girl just "doesn't feel like showing up," and that they can't find anyone better, but that at least she comes some of the time....

Also, these people are ALWAYS ON THEIR PHONES TEXTING. Not like "Yes Friend, our plans are still on, ttyl,"and then they're back to work kind of texting, but texting every second! I am almost 24, and yet their texting still seems excessive to me. It's not like there isn't what to do either. When I was with Ben, we had bitter arguments about how I didn't text him enough when I was at work. "Ben," I would exasperatedly tell him. "I go to work to WORK. There are actual tasks that I was hired to do. They didn't need a professional texter. The other people who are dating people aren't texting up a storm either, they are also working. Even the married people aren't always texting!" 

Yessir, this seems like a great time to ask for a raise. This is an atmosphere in which I am appreciated. When I left the room today, The Big Boss, turned to some person in the room and said "Finally! Someone in this position who is ON TIME, aside from Mrs. S!" Mrs. S. is crazy organized- no one can top her, and that is ok. A key person who brings in a lot of money now wants me to commit to another day because "I dropped down to one day a week because there is no one good to work with, but if you're here..." I told him that I'm looking to solidly commit to a certain number of hours, and that if the Assistant Manager is willing to swap me off of Monday paperwork to work with him, I'd do it. Yes, yes, I need a raise.

Since so much of Monday is paperwork, and there's about four solid feet of it to get through, I think I will ask to do more of it over this break. I need more money, and god knows that I won't be stealing work from the other people on paperwork duty- this is four feet of backlog, they still get things every day.

Ever since I came back to work, I just feel better. I like the feeling of earning money and being productive.

Interviews

So, last May I was crushed. I didn't get any interview invitations to schools and I had to break up with Ben because he was a jerk. I curled into a sad little ball and hid out from everyone. I couldn't deal with successful, happily coupled people.

Now things are different. I had two interviews, and I have one later this month, and that's what consumes me these days. (The idea of getting married or going out on dates just doesn't interest me the way it used to. At any other time in my life, I could have only achieved 75% of my potential happiness just from the idea that my life is closer to including a career that I find meaningful, but now it's like 90% (the other 10% being from my family and friends and my health). Below, I summarize the details

INTERVIEW # 1

This place was my number two choice because of price. It was, as one of my interviewers put it, "out in the boonies."

My parents surprised me by putting their heads together and deciding that my dad should go with me on my journey to that faraway place in the boonies. I was kind of relieved to have him there. It was an eight hour journey and I was nervous about it. Rory and I had actually been secretly plotting to go together, but no one knew that. We would have taken Rory's car and sing along to the entire soundtrack of Avenue Q and have the whole shabbos to just relax and not have to worry about finals and work. It would have been fun, but it wasn't meant to be. My dad and I went on the road trip together and he stayed in the hotel, because it was just too damn cold to go outside for no reason.

It was one of those group interviews. Because it was in the middle of nowhere, I was the only Jew. Out the nine other people, two had played lacrosse in high school. Two of the others had that super-straight white blond hair that only goyim have (they made Blondie look positively brunette, and I call her Blondie for a reason). One of the blonde goyim had the most goyish chin imaginable and grew up on a dairy farm. They were the most goyish goyim I've ever met. Even the goyim I went to public school with are kind of Jewish.

I was in the younger half of the group. I felt that I flubbed 1/6 of the questions, but that, frankly, I wasn't what they wanted. They had filled a lot of their seats before our interview, and their mission statement said that they gave preference to candidates from the boonies. 7/10 of the people in that group were from the boonies. Simply put, I didn't fit in. I had  feeling that I hadn't gotten it, but at least I had improved enough that I had been granted an interview.

That shabbos, I got to see how there were barely any Jews there all over again. As in other towns that only exist because of the college, Chabad was the only game in town.

 I met a cute and nice guy over there named Rich. Rich liked me too. Of course he was Reform, from the south, and not moving anywhere remotely near me. It was simply impractical. Of course, my father had a field day with this, and gleefully told my mom about Rich. When I got home, my mom encouraged me to keep in touch with Rich.

This confused the shit out of me, as this is a woman who, upon hearing that I was going out to a gathering with Jews for New Year's, was trying to convince me to say a Dvar Torah at the party. This woman and I fought a bloody war when I decided that I was going to wear ankle socks instead of tights or knee socks. She doesn't even let platonic male friends of mine or of my sister to come into the house to use the toilet! Now she wants me to date a Reform guy? I guess it's starting to hit her that I will probably not get married, and she is hitting that age where her desire for grandbabies is overruling everything else.

That place rejected me, and while I was crushed, I wasn't surprised either.



INTERVIEW # 2

This was a place that I was a LOT more familiar with. My job is a rotation site for this program, so I'd met a good half of last year's graduating class. Half of the clinicians at my job went to school there. I had a college friend who is in the first year now.

As it wasn't as far out in the boonies (2 hours away versus 8), I was not the only Jew, although I didn't know anyone in the interview. There were twenty of us and they interviewed us one by one. Here, people were a lot less posh than they were at my first interview. At my first interview, I felt like the least polished one there. Here I felt like I was definitely in the more polished half of the crowd. There was one really old guy who probably had had a similar career in his native country, and I ended up on the train ride back with him. There was a Jewish guy who worked in his father-in-law's catering business, which sorely tempted me to ask if his in-laws were tuna beigels (I held back). There was a goyish woman from the Bronx who looked 15 years younger than she was, and we bonded over Beatrice the Biologist comics (I'm not a full blown nerd, but I like some comics). There was a Jewish girl who wasn't from Brooklyn who couldn't figure out how to get around Midwood even though it's a very simple grid and she works there every day (I hope she didn't mention this during her interview).

My friend who just got in last year had really prepared me well. "They want to see that you're dedicated and that you understand how hard this will be," she'd told me. I had rehearsed for the interview with her coaching in mind, and it paid off. I felt like I didn't flub anything up, and the interviewing team (2 people) were impressed because I brought some documents that weren't technically required, but that were very helpful. It made me look very organized.

The staff was just the way the people at work told me it would be.

I haven't heard back yet, as it's been less than a week, and the goyim don't work on New Year's (I did), but I would love to go there. I would also have to move if I go there, but at least it isn't in the middle of nowhere. Jewish life is less than 45 minutes away by car.

INTERVIEW # 3

Just got the email today! That's at the very end of January, so I guess I will see what that's like. Someone from that program is also rotating at work, so i will interrogate her.


Thursday, November 23, 2017

Poem in Honor of a High School Classmate having Kid # 3


The Correct Number of Kids For Frum Non-Millionaires To Have 


After one
Most parents don’t feel quite done

You have two
Your husband meets Pru U’Rvu 

To have three?
“One and two are big: yes maybe!” 

You think, “Four?”
Budget says “Stop here, no more!” 

You said “Five?”
You're not even alive anymore! 


(If you're wealthy,
Keep going until infinity!)

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

School and Moving

My # 2 school wants to interview me. I was surprised, but I am happy. I HAVE TO BUY A SUIT!!! ARGH!!!! My fashion sense is a cross between hot female lumberjack, Target, thrift shop/clothing swap finds and exercise clothes. I am so out of my comfort zone here with buying a suit.

If they take me, I am going. Their tuition is half the price of other places! I would be a fool not to go.

The school is in the middle of nowhere in my state. I would have to move! The fact that no one has even dared to mention that there is no one to date there is a personal victory for me. People have finally accepted that I'm never getting married, so they should just stop acting like it might happen. I have finally been accepted in my true form (a cat lady who is neutral on cats).

I'm of two minds about moving.

Obviously I am fed up with living at home at the age of almost 24.  I have no privacy. I can't have friends over. I spend most of my time in the basement because it's the warmest part of the house, which makes me a walking stereotype: the millenial in the basement. It's embarrassing, even when 33% of millenials live with their parents. I don't feel like a Real Adult, even though I have come to the realization that I am a real adult. (I give people credit card and insurance advice and I actually have informed opinions on these matters. A sick person turned to me to take care of her because she felt I was the most adult-y adult she knew, and that I would do the best job in caring for her. I told her that she needed more adult-y adults in her life.)

On the other hand, I am scared to move out to somewhere so far away. If I was moving to somewhere within my city, even if it was on the farthest tip of it, it would be different. Now though, I would have to pass my road test. I have failed twice. Anywhere without a subway REQUIRES you to have a car. That's just how it is. What if I can't pass the stupid road test? What if I can't find a roommate? I am afraid of fighting with some person who I live with, so I'm very picky about roommates.

I'm also scared of creepy psycho killers- don't they target women who live alone? Sure, I might find a roommate, but I might also not find a roommate, and then I'm the perfect target for a psycho killer. Then, after he'd kill me, he'd dump my body in an iceberg and no one would find my body for months. Then my cousin, who loves watching violent crime shows, would watch my case on TV.

Of course, this is irrational. Many women live alone and aren't murdered. I already know how to use a toilet plunger, cook, clean, do laundry, and pay bills. I'm way ahead of most people who move out and are used to their parents doing those things for them.

It would be scary, but it would be SO COOL to leave this depressing place!!!! I would finally be my own person, not some other people's kid (an overgrown kid). Once I get over my psycho killer fear, I could see liking it very much.

That's also assuming I wouldn't flunk out. Many people I have spoken to about PA school say that a good percentage of their class flunks out. I would study my ass off. I'm not moving out to party or have a frumspringa; I've already done that. I'd be moving out to go home and sit with my books. At this point, the idea sitting with an anatomy book instead of an Organic Chem book makes me excited.

Even that assumes that I would get in and that the interviewers would like me. I am worried about that, but I'm not too worried. I looked into this job very thoroughly before deciding that it was the best job for me, and I do agree with the school's mission.

It's just so unbelievable that things are finally HAPPENING!!

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

No More Dating

So I dumped one guy for shallow reasons.

I am dumping the other one for both shallow and deep reasons later tonight.

I'm not complaining. At least people want to date me.

Still, I need a break and midterms are coming.

I might get back into the dating jungle later, but I have realized a deep truth about myself. I am simply not as into finding a life companion as other Jewish women my age are. I just don't wake up in the morning and feel sad over being single. Unless the perfect person for me comes along, I have a good life now, and adding a person who wouldn't be perfect for me would drag my quality of life down. This is the sort of thought process no one around me has, and that makes me feel alone at times, but alone is not as bad as I was told it is.